ARCHIVE: Wayne’s World #2

Hello again,

Can you tell me what a ‘warthog’ is? They’ve all started calling me a a warthog at the job centre. Is it complementary? Somebody told me it’s an animal... is it a nice animal? Roy Keane is an animal and he’s dead brill. Grrr!!

I’ve got a new animal. I said to my Uncle Bob that I was “into animals”. He said he wasn’t surprised. It’s a hamster. I’m so fond of it that I’ve started feeding it on the stash of economy burgers from Aldi that my mum doesn’t know I’ve got in the bottom of the freezer. And he likes my chocolate digestives too. Scrumptious!!

Talking of burgers and biscuits, I’ve got a health check at the doctors tomorrow. My mum booked it because she says I am too heavy. My Uncle Bob said I was carrying around more fat than the “bleedin’ European lard mountain”. He thinks he’s so funny.

I must say though I’m not looking forward to it. I might have to take my top off. Even worse I might have to take my vest off. My Uncle Bob says I have to fold up my vest when I take it off to prevent there being a total eclipse of the sun. Ha blinking ha!

I hope I don’t have to cut down eating too much. I especially look forward to Saturday afternoons. I help my mum with the shopping and she takes me to Burger King for my tea. Mmmmm. BK, french fries and a Whopper! God knows what I’d do on Saturdays if I had to stop that.

I bought a Man. U. lampshade for my room, on the seafront yesterday. I’d like to have my room painted red in honour of the boys. They really are true greats of our time. I’ll have to go. My mum and Uncle Bob have gone to the pub and I’ve got the grill to myself. How do you get ketchup stains from a hamster’s bum?

Please write soon, I’ve not got many friends.

WAYNE KERR (MUFC)

P.S. It’s quite cold down by the seaside at the moment.

NOTE: First appeared in Issue 12 of White Love fanzine in late 1996.