ARCHIVE: Loyal White #2

A lot of people say they don’t like the Germans. Personally I think they’re great. Just look at the Luftwaffe for instance, they bombed the crap out of Old Shitford in the war, you can’t argue with that can you!? Nah... they’re good lads the Krauts.

People often say I’ve got a sick mind. I’m not sick, I just hate the Red Puke. I’m thinking of starting up a nationwide scumhaters club. We’d have a monthly newsletter and members would be encouraged to write in with the addresses of local rags. We’d build up a comprehensive dossier on the filth and persecute them. We could campaign to bring back punishment beatings on the town hall steps. Or we could tamper with some gender reversal techniques and try to brainwash them back to being just regular football fans… Bolton obviously.

Have you ever played Urinal Scrabble? It’s great. It’s the same as normal Scrabble except you’ve got to think up words slagging the rags off. Last time I played I got 39 points for the word ‘Redscum’ because it was on a triple score. Of course it was debated as being two words, but I offered my mate a copy of the Hadjuk Split programme from 27th January 1980. A fine, fine day one has to admit. He took the bait and let me keep my points. Eventually I won the game when I got 14 points for ‘Galatasaray’. Good eh! You can play the Urinals Crossword game as well. It doesn’t matter what the clue is, if it’s four letters it’s SCUM, if it’s five it’s FILTH and if it’s six, well, I’ll let you decide.

Maybe I should patent my own anti-Urinals board game... a bit like Monopoly. The object of the game would be to buy up as much of Old Shitford as you can... and then systematically destroy it. And instead of “Go to jail” on the corner of the board, it would be “run through Moss Side in your full-kit wanker attire”, and some of the Community Chest and Chance cards would be in the vein of “United fail to win the league in fuckin’ ages – forfeit £100”.

So, as you can see, I’ve not got a sick mind. Anyway, I’ll have to get off, my son has just set fire to a United shirt in the back yard. That blowtorch I got him for his birthday has come in very handy. Not quite sure what’s happened to the rag that was wearing it, but do I remotely care? Never.

LOYAL WHITE (BWFC)

First appeared in Issue 12 of White Love in late 1996. We’ve had to do some serious edits to get it past the internet police!