ARCHIVE: Wayne’s World #1
I’m depressed, it’s not fair. When I woke up this morning the zit on my chin which appeared yesterday had grown, there’s a massive yellow bit on top of it now. I’ve tried all the ointments and creams, but nothing ever works. My Mum says it’s because I’ve got a bad complexion and greasy skin. Yesterday I tried scrubbing it off with a sponge, but when my mum caught be she said I’d get the puss everywhere and have a face full of spots. I’m just glad I’ve left school, nobody calls me an ‘ugly spotty bastard’ anymore... except my Uncle Bob. I don’t like this Uncle Bob, he’s not like my other Uncle Bob. He used to buy me toffees and footy stickers. My mum says that’s why I’ve got greasy skin.
Today is Tuesday, my day at the job centre. It’s really embarrassing, because I fancy the girl behind the ‘Enquiries’ desk. I think she fancies me too, she mustn’t mind the spots. I think maybe she supports Man. U. like me, so I always wear my Green and Yellow shirt. I’m thinking of having ‘Giggs’ printed on the back you know, but my Uncle Bob says I’d be better off having ‘Fat Bastard’ on the back, because I am one.
I think I’ll go to the fish & chip shop for dinner. The woman behind the counter is a Man. U. supporter as well, she even knows all the players names. She reckons she went watching them last September, but I don’t believe her. Manchester is up North, and she has to open the shop at 6.00pm on a Saturday, just in time for when 1 come back from Tesco with my mum. I don’t like being seen in town with my mum, people look at me a bit funny, and if we see anybody from my old school, she always embarrasses me.
This afternoon I’m going to watch Ceefax, and see if any news about United flashes up, it usually does. My mum says I should get off my arse and find a job. My Uncle Bob says I’m a “bone idle fat bastard”.
I’ve just put Ceefax on and United are playing Liverpool tonight. I hate Liverpool. Man. U. are the greatest football team in the world. They play in the ‘Theatre of Dreams’ so they must be. I think I’ll have salt and vinegar on my chips today. I hope mum isn’t going in my bedroom when I head out to the job centre, or else she’ll find all them Nakky mags. I’ll have to go now, she’s shouting me downstairs, she wants me to help her put her new net curtains up. Please keep in touch, I haven’t got many friends.
WAYNE KERR (MUFC)
NOTE: First appeared in Issue 2 of Come On Feel The Wanderers.