ARCHIVE: Loyal White #3

BE WARNED – NOT FOR THE EASILY OFFENDED.

More from Bolton’s greatest Red Scum hater...

The wife’s sister and her husband are coming around to tea at the weekend. They’ve finally decided to try and heal the family split after I ruined their wedding day. Dirty red vermin. I’ll never forgive her family for allowing the sister-in-law to marry him. He’s a typical rag. A right mouthy little bastard with an attitude problem who thinks he knows it all. The type of bloke who you want to send your fist crunching into his face within ten seconds of meeting him. The type of bloke whose house you want to burn down. The type of bloke you’d like to see with electrodes rammed up his arse while you shout “Stand up if you hate Man U” before making him stand bolt upright by pressing the button that releases the current, giving him the biggest shock of his life since that Alan Sunderland goal in the last minute of the 1979 FA Cup Final. In short he’s your typical, average chicken shit cock sucking red scum.

Anyway, its two years since their wedding day... and two years since we spoke to either of them. Now, the wife has invited them over to tea and told me she’ll divorce me if I start singing my favourite songs again like I did in the chapel that day. I have thought about poisoning his food and sitting watching him die a slow and painful death at my dinner table. But lets face it I’d never keep my nerve. I’d keep thinking about my dad spinning in his grave because I’ve let a filth fan over the doorstep. I’d keep looking at his horrible reptile like face while he slavered all over my cutlery and crockery and engaged us in his bland conversation. And I’d just have to polax the filthy mangy Urinal toe rag on the spot.

Nope, there’s nowt for it. I’ve spoken to my son and he says if his mother wants to bring a rag into the house, he’s perfectly happy to tell the court he’d prefer it if he was in my custody rather than his mothers. Thing is, if I lost I’d end up having to pay her maintenance. It ought to be written in law that any person who discovers their spouse has got a rag-in-laws should get a quickie divorce without any responsibilities afterwards. Coz there’s no red Trafford shite coming in to my house and getting out without massive physical damage.

Yours hating the red vermin, Loyal White

First appeared in White Love issue 26, January 1999