NEW: Wayne’s World #1
I’ve finally moved out of my mum’s house. She thought I would’ve left just after my 40th birthday a couple of years ago but then realised how upset I was that Liverpool had won the league. I hate Liverpool. They are just a poor imitation of the might Reds from the ‘Theatre’.
She lost her temper. I don’t like it when she shouts. Especially when she starts to get personal. It hurts. It all came to a head when I got home from a job interview and she stood there with one of my United ‘08/09 footie socks in her hand, looking utterly disgusted. She began to shout. “I’ve had enough with washing these cum-stained crusty socks from under your bed, and moving those mountains of rock-solid spunk-laden tissues from behind the radiator.”
She was raging. A bit like Keano used to get when United went behind.
But then she didn’t stop. “And not forgetting the countless times you’ve blocked the plug-hole in the bath with that long greasy hair of yours and even more of your filthy jizz… It’s time you got a bloody girlfriend, got a proper job and moved the fuck out of here!”
“I looked up and I swear that I could see anger on the face of Sir Alex on my prized framed photo of him with the Treble-Treble. Sir Alex wouldn’t have spoken to me like that.”
I was kind of angry. But then I just burst into tears. It was emotional. I think Cristiano would’ve been upset also. We won the league, the league cup and came runners-up in the Champions League in ‘08/09. That’s when we were still the bestest club ever. That sock meant a lot to me. I went to my room and lay on my bed contemplating. I looked up and I swear that I could see anger on the face of Sir Alex on my prized framed photo of him with the Treble-Treble. Sir Alex wouldn’t have spoken to me like that.
I went on the “United Exiles” Facebook group later that night and made friends with a Chinese boy who lives in Shrewsbury. It made me feel better. He’s never been to Old Trafford either but says one day he’ll make a visit to the Megastore and buy a genuine shirt instead of the cheap one’s his family send him over from Beijing.
Mum knocked on bedroom door and apologised. She’d ironed my “King Eric” t-shirt that I got off Ebay. She’d also microwaved me an Asda Smart Price lasagne, mmmmm, my favourite.
If only she had waited for me to tell her at the front door that I’d got the job… and I also have a regular girlfriend.
I’ll tell you more next time. M-U-MUF-MUFC-FOR-ME!
Kind regards Wayne Rooney…. Haha… only joking… Kerr.
WAYNE KERR, SURREY RED (MUFC 4EVA)