ARCHIVE: Jimmy Is Innocent

“Number 3... Jimmy Phillips”. Every bloody week, every bloody match, Colin Todd (Bruce Rioch before him) picks Jimmy Phillips. Whether or not he’s played crap in his previous game, or previous forty games, his name is always there... on the teamsheet, in the programme, on the electronic scoreboard. 

Fast wingers cream themselves when they see his name in lights, whilst Bolton fans look to the skies and cry “Bloody Phillips again!?”. I suppose he’s not all that bad, but his lack of pace is forever the cause for our lack of cleansheets. If he misses the tackle then the winger tears down the flank and either scores himself or crosses for others to do the evil deed. I’ve lost count of the number of goals we’ve conceded from the left of our defence this season. 

So where do we go from here? Well if Toddy won’t drop him, then we’ve got to pray for a serious injury or an abundance of yellow cards... he’ll never get red carded though. But then he did. 

The fans of Bolton Wanderers have waited for nearly two years for an injury or a suspension and at Birmingham City on the thirteenth day in November in the year of ’96, we got our wish. Jimmy was head-butted and the offender, Paul Devlin was sent packing. The referee, Mr. Graham Pooley then invited Jimmy for an early bath. Why? What had Jimmy done wrong, he was the victim? But off he had to go. So what happened next? Well if you can imagine an innocent man being sent down in a packed courthouse for life imprisonment for a crime he hadn’t nothing to do with, then you’d be pretty close to what actually happened on the emerald surface at St. Andrews. Near on twenty thousand spectators witnessed an innocent man having a paddy. He would not leave the pitch, ‘the referee had no choice but to reverse his decision’, but reverse his decision he would not. Jimmy ranted, raged and then finally, when his team-mates prevented physical retribution on the referee, he came storming over to the where the Bolton supporters were sat and booted the ball (which was waiting for a goal kick) into the crowd. He had one further dig at the referee before leaving the pitch.

So we finally got what we wanted. However the expected reaction of “Thank christ no more Phillips for three matches!” did not show it’s face. No siree. The referee’s parenthood came into question, as did his solo sex life, but Jimmy was deemed an innocent man, a Wanderers player, one of the lads. He was wrongly accused and the fans stood up for him... they didn’t want him to go. After waiting all that time, nobody wanted Jimmy to leave the field and everyone was hoping that video evidence would get him off his three match ban. “Jimmy Phillips is innocent!”, you have been told!!

First appeared in Issue 12 of White Love in late 1996.